we talked for a while at the beach. you are so smart and caring for things that i care about too. you are very educated and very attractive. i was just staring at your mouth the whole time. these drunk guys came over to the dock to talk to us and it was so weird but you were so calm about it. i really dig your voice, it’s soft and careless but still something to me. i am not used to connecting with people on so many different levels. it’s like were rehearsing lines from one another that we keep in our heads. our conversation was always agreeing and colliding with such ease. then you said you had to go and to be honest i was so disappointed that you had to leave. you then dropped me off to my car and then okay well i guess i will see you tomorrow. and you just grabbed me and kissed me, it was like you were saying, “i wanted to do this all summer,” through your actions. you wrapped your arms around me and pulled my hair in a way that you were taking me in, you were cherishing me. we both didn’t want to let go and i haven’t felt like that about a guy all summer. i feel really dumb because i keep thinking about you like i’m 15 and stupid. hopefully you dig me as much as i dig you.
i remember whispering sweet things in your ear and your hair was so black in the dark i could hardly see it and had to touch it to make sure it was still there, it was still real. your love for me was so real and then i left you it evaporated into the darkness and i can never get it back. if i panic, nothing will happen. you have another girl now and it’s okay, it’s good you deserve someone good, someone better. but are you deserving of the sadness i am feeling for you tonight? am i deserving of your good luck? i could never chase you, i would look like a fool. half of the town hates me and half of me does, too.
the wood in august
we were in the thick of it.
like lush green in the wood.
you asked me what i wanted from you.
i wanted to bite your cheek,
it was pink from the heat in the apartment
it reminded me of a peach.
i thought the scene if i bit it,
juices and blood dripping down your neck,
i wanted to consume you.
you would have tasted delicious.
as you would scream,
the veins in your neck popping out.
(love makes me insane)
we laid on your floor
my hair caught the light like copper
touching the sun for the first time.
you put a record on.
you hummed it into my neck.
i now put a joy division record on
sitting on my russian carpet
thinking about the first time we laid on your floor in september,
but feeling like july.
and knowing your feelings were fleeting,
knowing this wouldn’t last.
i stayed to see if i could ever change the course we were on.
i was always self-abusive.
but you were still somewhere in august,
unattainable, unwanting, totally deserving of me.
we were in the same wood, just on different trails.
i need someone
to paint all my organs
and feed me oranges
so my stomach can glow
and i can gain an appetite.
could you break all my ribs
and fabricate a new heart for me?
let all my blood cover your hands
and then you can read me on your palms.
my set of teeth are a bit better than your’s,
would you like to trade?
open your lunchbox mouth
i see it’s filled with sweets.
my skull is cracked
move into my head,
you don’t have to pay rent.
you don’t have to buy me flowers,
you don’t have to love me.
you don’t have to do anything.
you being here is enough.
i miss you, and i’m remembering:
grabbing your hand at that party
made me feel alive,
i didn’t care if you liked it,
i didn’t care if you didn’t want anything to do with me.
but i wanted to,
i really fucking wanted to
and i needed you to know that night.
there was a hole in my palm
i wanted you to cover the wound,
just for that night.
and later on you whispered in my ear,
"you just get what you want, don’t you? i love you."
i love you.
stuck in places
where i want you
to love me
and to hate me.
but you look at me like
you could fill my words
with red ink.
i remember you
once in my room,
telling me it looked nice,
it looked like i belonged in this room.
and i want to say,
let’s get a drink sometime,
let’s go look at some art
let’s fall in love
in black and white.
let’s do it before adulthood
makes us like dead flowers—
losing color but keeping their shape.
it would be unconventional
it would be the best thing for next semester.
i steal your beers when you’re not looking,
let me pay you back.
I didn’t see many pictures
of you in your youth,
but when you left with that last breath,
waiting to be left in peace,
i looked through photo albums you put together.
when i saw snapshots of you in the beaches of Rockaway,
god painted you in a way that screamed, “american boy,”
youth oozed out of your skin.
i’m a morbid girl.
go eat your human heart out,
i don’t eat what’s served.
i miss you so much.
but you will never miss me.
i am paralyzed.
do you enjoy it?
i loved you and you hurt me.
i wanted you dead.